I Am a Women And I Don’t Want It All
Do you remember PepsiCo former CEO Indra K. Nooyi interview where unapologetically she said “ Women Can’t Have It All” and ‘having it all’ is just an illusion that comes with painful sacrifices and tradeoffs. “You have to cope,” “because you die with guilt. You just die with guilt.” Women pretend to have it all.
I always admired her and she is one of the role models I had while growing up. When I was young I didn’t understand the whole meaning of “having it all”. Women are meant to manage houses, full time jobs, kids, parents and what not. It’s an absurd frame for many reasons.
If you see other famous women interviews, one question is common — How Do You DO IT ALL?
With time, I realize that centuries long patriarchal culture is inherent in most women and we never dare to call out in the open and say, hey! it’s wrong.
Even being a feminist I carried misogynistic and patriarchal ideologies for decades but not any more.
Somewhere along the line, I can’t tell you when, our women’s movement told us we could have everything. I think it was meant to be empowering. So we ran out and grabbed everything we could. Jobs, kids, husbands, houses, game nights, fitness classes.
If it was out there, we wanted it. And we fell for this. I feel like it was a trap.
I can tell you. I don’t feel empowered. I feel tired. I think I need a nap.
I tried to do all of it. And you know what? It fucking sucked.
I worked harder than my counterparts because I had to take on more just to show I was deserving of having it all. As a result, I think the people around me just looked at me and said, “You wanted it all? Okay. Have it!” Dump!
Having it all about killed me. I worked too much, I slept less than I should. I cried when no one could see me do it. A lot.
Women are burned out by having it all. We’ve become overachievers. We’re busy. Busy, busy, busy. We push ourselves too far. Because really, while we’re out trying to smash the patriarchy of our workplaces, expectations of us as wives or mothers don’t decrease.
I have always been ambitious and loved the idea of being successful. In the back of my head, I think I wasn’t necessarily driven by the need to succeed, but rather the need to prove myself. I wanted the whole package because I wanted everyone to know I could handle it.
You know what? I don’t care anymore. I have nothing left to prove.
So, I don’t want it all. What I want is my time back. This is my version of women’s liberation. I’m giving you your shit back.
I blame many things for this exhaustion. I blame social media, with its constant surreptitious whispers of “you’re not enough; must do better.” but I also blame the fact that from the moment we were born, we were told we could have it all.
The problem is that we stopped believing that we could have it all and started to feel that we should. Or even that we must. We needed to bust balls in courtrooms or boardrooms but still be home in time to serve home-cooked well-balanced meals to our clutch of angelic offspring; to bathe them and read with them and then to spend quality time with our spouse.
Oh, and we also needed to keep up with the latest fiction and films, maintain a social life, exercise for at least thirty minutes three times a week, drink 8 glasses of water a day and get 6–8 hours of sleep a night. And to maintain a manicure and a pedicure. Did I mention hobbies? Hobbies are good, too.
I may not have it all anymore.
I’m liberating myself, as a woman, from all of it.
This sounds gloomy, but it isn’t. It is not defeatist to accept that we cannot have it all.
It is freeing. Freed of the expectation that we should be all things to all people, we can be one or two precious things to ourselves and to the people we love.
We can focus. The thing that needs to change, I think, is the fear of judgment for our choices, or for finding fulfillment in whatever our precious thing might turn out to be.
Women do have a huge array of choices. In that sense, we have “it all” to choose from.
All of our choices should feel equally valid.
So, please let’s stop talking about ‘having it all’ and start talking about the very real challenges of ‘doing it all.’
Be Bold
Be Courageous
Be Your Best
More on Woman’s Life:
Woman’s life— Is There Such A Thing Being Too Independent?
Woman’s Life — Why Marriage is Important Or May be Not!
Woman’s Life — Why You Need Financial Freedom